Tramadol for the soul

This weekend I rekindled the passion with an old flame. I was excited to see her again. She can be a fickle and unpredictable mistress but within minutes of being together again I could tell the old magic was still there. It felt so good, it felt so right. Moments of clarity amidst my silent inner chaos. She looked less exotic than when we were together last summer and much less wild than when we met outside Oslo airport in September. She had softened slightly but her contours were just as intriguing as I remembered. After months apart I found her a little more difficult to read at first and I had my doubts and even fears. She’s broken my heart several times but on this occasion we were both much more relaxed and were soon back in tune with each other’s rhythms. It was everything I hoped for and more. Our past still haunts me, last summer’s romance was particularly rocky. She is incredibly demanding but when we click, nothing is more satisfying.

After Orienteering hurt me yet again last October I knew we needed to take a break and I embarked on a brief fling with Running. He is not quite so high maintenance and he’s always there when I need him, whereas she disappears without a trace every winter and I have to go looking for her if I want any action. I had a lot of fun with him, we both knew it wasn’t really going anywhere and we could just relax, enjoy it for what it was and not worry about the future. He took my mind off her for a while. I enjoyed the affair more than I expected to and have a lot of good memories but towards the end he turned vicious and even slightly humiliated me. I didn’t take it too badly since I’d known all along it wasn’t serious and we’ve remained close friends, spending quality time together often.

Ultimately I know my future lies with Job. Job will put a roof over my head and give me the security I know deep down I’ll never get from Orienteering or Running. I still have a lot of passion for Job but we drive each other crazy and usually not in a good way. Soon I’ll be ready to settle down with Job and give up on these fickle loves but I’ve let a lot of dissatisfaction build up between us which we’ll need to resolve if we’re going to make a go of things long term. Sometimes it’s a rollercoaster with Job too, he’s not perfect but neither am I.

For the time being it just feels so good to spend some time with Orienteering again. I wonder if I’m really her type. I know there are people out there who don’t think we’re right for each other but for now it’s just between me & her. Today I definitely felt like there was still a spark between us. I can’t wait to get her alone at night.